Innocent Crush
by MandyT
Summary: Sirius has a crush and James, but it too scared to tell him how he feels. A short little SJ fic.


A/N: This is just some short story that I wrote one day. when I was really obsessed with Sirius/James! ;) Anyways, finally decided to post it.  
  
I'd like everyone to note that this is SLASH! If you don't like it, don't read it. And if you don't like this pairing, don't read it either! You have been warned.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Innocent Crush  
  
It was a regular night up in the Gryffindor common room. The fire was crackling merrily, spreading its warmth and light across the many chairs and tables in the common room. Various students were nestled in the arm chairs by the fire, while the rest were at tables doing their homework.  
  
Sirius Black was his own table alone, as he had a bit of catching up to do on his Transfiguration homework. Remus, Peter, and James sat at another table not far away from Sirius working on their Charms homework. Sirius twirled his quill around and around in the air, unsure of what to write in his essay. In fact, he wasn't really even thinking about it.  
  
Sirius watched James. From his table, he could see the profile of the other boy outlined in the firelight. Locks of jet-black hair tumbled down from his head and over his glasses. James's eyes were concentrating on 'Standard Book of Spells: Grade 4,' and he was bent over in his studies. He turned his attention to Remus, and said something to him.  
  
Sirius watched all of this in silence, as he did each night. James. Sirius gave a little sigh. His heart had an empty hole with something he could not have. James. It was all Sirius ever wanted to tell the boy how he felt. To embrace him and hold on to him tight. And staring at him each night only made it worse for Sirius. James seemed to be calling to him, and it was all Sirius could do not to run over there and hug him. Yet though it tortured him so, Sirius could not tear his eyes off of James.  
  
It had happened when they had all returned to Hogwarts for their forth year. Sirius had missed all his friends over the summer holidays terribly, and it was so good to see them again. And. and James. Sirius first saw him when he got on the train. James had seemed like a completely different person. Like the boy Sirius had once known had suddenly blossomed into a young man over the summer. A handsome, amazing young man. And it wasn't just James's looks either made Sirius stare. The way he acted, the way he moved made Sirius's heart leap a little faster as he saw James walking onto the train. Then James had embraced Sirius, and sheer longing began to run through Sirius's veins, and all he had wanted to do was to hold onto James and never let him ago.  
  
But Sirius had let go of James, and the one he longed so much for had been wisped away out of his grasp, and all Sirius could do was watch him each night. That was all Sirius had been able to do since the day first saw James again this school year. Watch him. Silently.  
  
More than once Sirius had thought about telling James how he felt. But how to put what he thought into words, just to himself, was hard enough. To tell those beautiful brown eyes how he felt. well, Sirius didn't think he could do it without melting into a puddle on the floor. There wasn't any good way to explain it except this: Sirius had a crush on James.  
  
Sirius often wondered if there was any chance that James felt the same way. Sirius certainly hoped there was, but he wasn't sure. James and him were just very good friends after all. Did James ever expect or even think about for just one moment that they could be more than friends? Probably not. Sirius had to tell himself that thought probably never even crossed James's mind.  
  
But Sirius still couldn't get rid of this hopeless crush of his. He would often look at other girls and try to tell himself, 'she looks really nice. Why go after James when you have a much better chance at getting someone like her?' It never worked. Sirius knew deep within himself that all his heart truly wanted was James.  
  
He could always talk to somebody else about his feelings, thought Sirius as he watched Remus and Peter next to James. Remus and Sirius were very close. Just like James and him. Or they had been really close. Sirius found it very hard now to have a heart to heart conversation with Jameswhen all he wanted to do was tell the other boy that he was absolutely in love with him. Sirius just didn't trust himself now.  
  
But Sirius could still talk easily with Remus. At least with most things. Would he ever be able to tell Remus what he felt? Though Sirius felt that he really hated to keep all his feelings locked up inside of him, could he trulytell Remus how he felt about James? Would Remus even understand it? Remus was just so nice. Sirius knew that he could always count on Remus to comfort him any time he needed it. But the plain truth was, the usually outgoing Sirius Black was just too shy to tell anybody, even Reums.  
  
Sirius suddenly jerked into awareness. He had been staring at James all this time and now James was staring back at him. Sirius gave a quick jerk and looked back at his Transfiguration essay. He quickly began to scribble stuff down, trying to look like he hadn't been just staring at James for the last few minutes. He hoped that nobody, especially James, had noticed him.  
  
Sirius heard James walk up to his table and sit down. Sirius purposely tired not to look at the other boy, and continued his essay.  
  
"How's the Transfiguration homework going? Looks like you've hardly written anything down," said James.  
  
Sirius put his quill down rather carefully. He was becoming aware that as each day went by, it was becoming harder and harder to look James in the eyes without being overcome by heart-wrenching longing.  
  
"It's goin' okay I guess. Haven't really done much on this stupid essay though," replied Sirius, managing a guilty smile back.  
  
"D'you think you could take a break? Just for a sec?" asked James. Sirius looked at him questioningly. What did James want?  
  
"Suppose I could take a little break. What is it James?" Sirius tried to appear cool and act normal; though he was inwardly being tortured that clump of hair that fell over James's eyes. His hand was itching to brush that clump away, and let his hand lightly and briefly touch James's skin.  
  
"Thanks," said James, "I was just wondering Sirius. would you come up to our dormitory to talk to me. alone, in private?"  
  
Sirius was immediately overcome with curiosity at this. He only nodded, and followed James up to the dormitory. What could James possible want to talk about alone? Sirius's heart skipped a few beats. Could he. could James possible want to talk about. was it maybe even remotely possible that James felt the same way he did? Or, was it that he somehow had found out about how Sirius felt about him, and wanted to talk to him about it? Or did he want to talk about something completely different altogether? thought Sirius with a sinking heart.  
  
They went up to the fourth year dorms, and sat down beside James's bed.  
  
"So." said Sirius, "What did you want to talk about?" James gave a little sigh, and smiled at Sirius.  
  
"Sirius," he began, "You know you're my best friend in the entire world, and you're somebody who I can always talk to, right?" Sirius nodded, his heart rising only slightly.  
  
"Anyways," continued James, "I've come to talk to you about something kind of personal. You see, there. there is this person."  
  
"Yes James?" asked Sirius. He knew he shouldn't yet his hopes rise too much, but Sirius just couldn't help it. He hanged on James's every word.  
  
"This person," said James, "I've. well, I know how to explain it. I have certain feelings for them. More than friendship I think. I just don't exactly know. I think I. I think I really like them. You know, LIKE them." Sirius didn't trust himself to speak, and merely nodded.  
  
"I've like them for awhile, I think. I'm just. so. nervous. I really want to know if they feel the same way too. but. but I'm too scared. Sirius, this is why I uh. I came to you. I wanna know what your suggestion is. I dunno what it is, but I always thought that YOU would have the good answers for these things."  
  
Sirius paused for a moment. He didn't know who James happened to be talking about, if it was him or someone else. Sirius took a deep breath, gulped, and spoke.  
  
"James," he said, "I think. I really think that you should tell. this person how you feel. They could. they could feel the same way also." And here Sirius stopped, and looked straight into James's eyes for a moment. James looked back at Sirius, and for a moment Sirius was beginning to feel that maybe James feel the same way, that maybe his feelings would be returned. Sirius though for a moment that everything was going to work out.  
  
But James broke their silent stare, and spoke.  
  
"Your right Sirius. Thanks. Thanks a lot. I should really tell them how I feel. I shouldn't be so afraid of it," said James. And with that, he stood up. Sirius watched him, slightly confused.  
  
"Um, James," asked Sirius. James turned around and looked at him again.  
  
"Don't mean to be nosy or anything," said Sirius, "But who is this ah. person?" Sirius's heart waited for the one simple word it long to hear more than anything else. For James's beautiful lips to part and murmur quietly that lovely word, 'you.'  
  
"Oh!" said James instead, "Sorry. I was gonna tell you. Lily Evans." James blushed and grinned at Sirius.  
  
Sirius's slowly rising heart suddenly plummeted down past his stomach and to his feet. At first he totally couldn't say anything at all. His mouth would try to open, but no sound came out. Finally all he could mutter was a quiet, rather choked, "Oh."  
  
James then turned and walked out of the room. He quickly turned to Sirius before he left and said, "Gotta do this now before I loose my courage." Sirius didn't have to worry about giving James a forced smile because the other boy had already left.  
  
And then Sirius was alone. He sunk down until he was lying flat and sprawled on the floor. James liked someone else. That Lily girl. He was even going to talk to her about it right now. Why hadn't Sirius taken his own advice and talked to James sooner? But James would have still turned him down, Sirius told himself. James would have still liked Lily.  
  
Numbness. That was all James felt. Pure numbness. He felt nothing at all. His heart was empty, torn apart, and trampled on. Not that James had really MEANT to do it, Sirius told himself. But did James know how much it hurt? What it was like to long for someone so much, and think you were so close to them, only to have them snatched far, far out of reach? No. Of course James couldn't know how it felt.  
  
Sirius wondered if James could ever think about him the way he thought about Lily. Could Sirius make James? Or was it just a plain, hopeless cause? Probably so.  
  
Sirius pulled himself off the floor after thinking for a while about this, telling himself that there was homework down in the common room that couldn't do itself. He got up, and slowly walked towards the door. It would take him a long time to heal. Especially since he saw James and Lily all the time. Sirius didn't know if he could look James right in the eye for a long time.  
  
Sirius entered the common room, trying to keep his eyes down and not look at anyone as he walked across to his worktable. He kept his eyes on his homework, and worked for the next hour straight. It was quite good actually. Sirius had never concentrated on his work so much before, and Transfiguration homework really kept his mind off James.  
  
Finally, when Sirius had finished the main bulk of his homework, he looked up. Remus and Peter were done with their homework, and were talking and laughing with some other people. Sirius scanned the room and found James talking t Lily in a corner. James caught Sirius's eyes and gave him a smile and small thumbs up.  
  
And then something very strange happened. Sirius found that he didn't have to turn away from James, blushing our about to break out in tears when their eyes locked. He simply smiled back and gave James a thumbs up as well.  
  
Maybe. maybe it would take him a shorter time to get over James than he thought. Sure, there was that broken part in his heart that needed to be mended, but things weren't that bad. Sirius realized just then that he wasn't going to want James like this in a few weeks. He wasn't going to be in love with James all his life. All this was just a crush. A little, innocent crush on that amazing James Potter. Sirius smiled to himself and went over to join Remus and Peter. 


End file.
